My Brother's Sins

“Hey haven’t seen you in a while!!” She responded with a slap across my face. Her fingers left marks on my cheek as the warm tears welled up in my eyes. I knew I deserved this. I knew this day was coming for me ever since the first day I moved to Arizona. Sasha was my best friend and the only one who ever showed me around this small town but I betrayed her. I always thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. The girl standing in front of me now was different. Her face was red and her eyes fiery. It scared me to know I had changed her. The sweet, kind Sasha had changed because of my mistakes.
I never know why I do the things I do. Often times, little thinking is required and I make up everything as I go. Arizona was a new beginning for me. I remember coming up with my life story as I helped my mother unpack our things. This time around, I was going to say that my mother is a flight attendant and that my father had died in a boating accident many years ago. I never had a brother. NEVER. I’m the only son in this family. A new school was the chance for me to start over and to be the son my mother had always wanted. I would join the baseball team and everything. I was sure of one thing and one thing only, I would never become like my brother. I will never hurt people like he did. Just the thought of him made me pick up a mug and hurl it across the room. I truly hate that boy. The little bits of porcelain dispersed all over the kitchen. Mom wasn’t going to be too happy about that. I grabbed a broom and swept up the aftermath of my angry outburst. As I scooped up the little pieces and threw them in the trash, I wished that cleaning up my life was as easy as sweeping.
I remember roaming around the aisles of the nearest Walmart trying to find a way to entertain myself. I emptied a shelf of pasta and switched it with the baking goods. I wanted to see how pissed off the guy that had to clean it up would be. To my surprise, a beautiful girl walked in my direction. She was wearing a blue apron with a nametag that read Sasha. She wasn’t pissed off at all; instead she giggled and said
“You must be really bored to go through all that trouble. You must be new here I haven’t seen you anywhere around town”
My mouth was dry and for once I was at a loss for words. I didn’t want to sound like an idiot but good first impressions were never really my thing. I think I managed to get the words “Yea” and “I’m sorry” out. I helped her put everything back and to my surprise she was still talking to me. I looked her small but nimble hands handle box after box as she told me about her family. Her purple nail polish sparkled and totally distracted me and I think I heard something about her mom being a waitress and her dad a car salesman. Nail polish? What was going on with me? I never noticed stuff like that about a girl. One time my mom had dyed her hair light brown and I didn’t even notice until two months later. There was something about Sasha though; I wanted to know everything about her. Every word that left her lips made me worried that we were closer to finishing putting the boxes away and I would never see her again.
“Wanna hang out after work?” My eyes lit up as I heard this and I quickly responded with a yes. I had a good feeling about her. A lot had gone wrong for me in the past but Sasha was gonna change that for me.
“I’ll be done around 3, meet me in the parking lot then okay?”
“Uhh, sure”
She smiled and walked away as I stood there questioning what had just happened. I didn’t like her in that way. I definitely couldn’t be in love. Love is for wimps. We were just gonna be good friends that’s all. The rest of the day took too long. I waited impatiently at home until 3. I tried watching TV but I couldn’t pay attention. I couldn’t get Sasha out of my mind. Suddenly, a pang of fear seared through my body. Nothing in my life ever went right, what if this whole friendship got screwed up too?
I was at the parking lot at exactly 3 o’clock which was surprising to me because I’m never on time. She came outside and I suddenly got really nervous. We walked around the parking lot and talked for hours. I knew everything about her from favorite color to biggest pet peeve. But then she brought up the topic that I didn’t really want to talk about. Family. She told me her parents are together but they are still really upset over the death of her older sister. Her sister had been viciously murdered two years earlier. My heart stopped. That’s where I remember seeing Sasha’s face. There were so many missing girl posters with her sister’s face back in New York. I knew already everything about Sasha’s sister. Her name was Sarah and she was a film student in NYU. She looked so much like Sasha, why didn’t I see it before? I felt like crying but I held it in. My selfish desperation for friendship allowed me to continue talking to her.
We spent the rest of the day walking around town. Sasha showed me all the cool hang out spots, the local library and even a really neat bookstore. In the back of my mind, I worried about her finding out who I really was. She was so kind to me, and that only made it worse for me because I felt like I was betraying her by not telling her. How could I possibly tell her?
School started and we became inseparable. We walked together to each class and spent every lunch period together. Sasha became my best friend and the only person I could really talk to. Yet, I couldn’t find a way to tell her the truth. I would lay awake for nights at a time horrified at how ironic fate was. Out of all the people in Arizona, she had to become my friend.
A whole school year passed by and I was consumed in guilt. I knew that I couldn’t hide it from her anymore. I knew I had to tell her before she found out herself. I wrote down everything I had to say in a little note. But my eyes couldn’t recognize one line I had written; my brother killed your sister. My brother was disturbed but I never knew he would go to the extent of taking the life of a poor girl. He was angry all the time and he took it out on Sarah. Sarah was just a beautiful girl just like Sasha who had been walking down the street a bit too late at night. I remember all the pictures from the news. I remember the bloody jacket I had found in his room. I remember everything. My brother is the reason me and my mom moved to Arizona. The media attention was too much in New York and we needed to get away. And as for my father he wasn’t killed in a boating accident, but rather he committed suicide after my brother was sent to jail. Our family was never really the same. I hadn’t gone to see Sasha for a few days. My fingers trembled and I was having difficulty breathing. I guess my asthma was acting up again.
The doorbell rang and my mom let someone into the house. It was Sasha, “Hey haven’t seen you in a while”…
She had found out from her own mother who recognized me in a picture she had of us in her room. As she screamed at me the pain in my chest only grew. I couldn’t say a word. She punched my stomach and cried. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was the worst friend ever. She finally began walking out but right before she touched the doorknob she turned around and said,
“I hate you.”
Her words echoed in my ears as I went up to my room. My chest was tightening up and I really couldn’t breathe. I slammed the door and lay down in my bed. I closed my eyes but there was so much I still needed to tell her. I left the letter I wrote explaining the truth on my pillow. It was useless now.

Epilogue
I had lost both my sons. The eldest was a vicious murderer and is now serving a life sentence in prison . The younger one was the apple of my eye. He was odd but I loved him the most. He had died from an asthma attack a few years ago. I always told him to take his inhaler everywhere he went, but he never listened. No one understands the pain of a mother after she loses her children. I had already lost my husband and now both my babies. I can’t handle being alone. I sleep every night with a note next to my pillow. It was written by my youngest son to his best friend Sasha. I couldn’t bring myself to read the whole thing. But the last sentence stood out the most.
“I love you Sasha and you will never understand how much I care about you; please forgive me for my brother’s sins”